“Quite simply, my friend, we need each other.”
This post is a reflection on what I know to be true about working through childhood trauma as an adult. I’ve learned that the isolation that sometimes got us through a toxic childhood will not sustain us throughout adulthood because, quite simply my friend, we need each other.
As children, we kept our heads down and our chaotic home lives to ourselves. Isolation was safer. It helped us survive but it was a short-term solution. In order to heal and to get on the other side of our trauma, we need others.
As humans, we are designed or “wired” for human connection. From the time we are born, and until we take our last breath, connection with others is one of our most driving and primal motivations. Our growth, development, and overall well-being depend on healthy and supportive connections with others. Pandemic life has painfully reaffirmed this for many of us.
Needing other people can be uncomfortable to admit and accept because some of us, in addition to not having our most basic needs met, grew up feeling completely alone. Some of us did not feel safe in our families, homes, schools, and neighborhoods. Some of us still do not feel safe.
Some of us still firmly hold on to the belief that we can not trust or rely on anyone but ourselves. We are certain that everyone will eventually betray or disappoint us and walk away. I’m sure we share some of the same scars from torpedoed relationships that cemented this belief for us. As young adults, we may have been branded as NEEDY, BROKEN, or DRAMATIC by our peers or loved ones. All these labels confirmed for us that our struggles and emotional pain were best kept locked away.
“We’ve let this belief poison our perception of ourselves”
This is why we now struggle to get support. This is why we ignore our emotional wounds, even as we sink further into anxiety, restlessness, panic attacks, and depression. We’ve let this belief poison our perception of ourselves, along with our connections with family, friends, romantic partners, and coworkers.
It has become the soundtrack playing in the background of our lives. Our inner critic reminds us, “you’re better off alone”. Warns us, “everyone will hurt you”. Taunts us with, “everyone leaves because you’re broken.”
What if you paused your self-hating diss track, featuring Eminem, for like one sec?
What if you paused your self-hating diss track, featuring Eminem, for like one sec? What do you have to lose? There is another option for us after all. It may feel a little scary and risky, but maybe it will be worth it in the end? What if we, survivors of childhood trauma, supported each other?
In my first blog, My Trauma-Informed Yoga Story, I wrote about how a trauma-informed yoga practice helped me come to terms with my CPTSD, declining health, and the death of my estranged abusive adopted mother, but my trauma-informed yoga experience also introduced me to the power of connecting with other trauma survivors.
I did not anticipate the powerful positive energy that I experienced in gathering with those incredible women. Without bearing my soul, they already knew me. I don’t know how, but they got me. They were rooting for me. All that we needed to know about each other was that we were all linked by trauma and navigating life through trauma is hard AF. #traumatribe
It wasn’t about dumping our trauma onto each other or streaming our trauma hall of fame moments. We do need spaces to do this important venting and truth-telling work, but we also need spaces that allow us to tap into our strength and resilience in mentoring and leading one another. My trauma-informed yoga friends did this for me.
I gradually formed genuine friendships with two very special women in our group. Over time, we began to share our highs and lows and coping skills that worked.
“I want all childhood trauma survivors to feel what I feel every Wednesday morning…”
These beautiful and strong women couldn’t have been more different from each other. They couldn’t have been more different from me. One of them was a born rebellious moon child with no filter and her pulse all things nature and spirituality. Her quick wit and sarcasm eased the tension every time. The other, the definition of genuine selflessness and humility, she radiates love and encouragement from her twinkling eyes as she works tirelessly to find ways to keep being a blessing to others. When I am with her, I just exhale because I know she’s got me and she understands.
I want all childhood trauma survivors to feel what I feel every Wednesday morning when I meet with these two marvelous women and am able to just deeply exhale. So we’re going to build it. It will definitely be clumsy, mistakes will be made, but I have to try. We need to try. In the coming months, I will be working on developing a Facebook group that will give us the opportunity to connect with each other in a meaningful way and I will need your help!
Please comment with your answers to the following questions:
- What makes you comfortable enough to connect with others?
- What type of support do you need? Venting, coping skills, setting boundaries, relationships, etc.
Note: Managing your mental and physical health is a serious and important issue that should be pursued with trusted and competent healthcare professionals. I am not a healthcare professional. I am not a licensed or trained expert. I share my specific experiences and what has worked for me, in celebration of my growth and with the hope that you will find out what works for you.